Saccharine Molybdenum

the sweet metallic taste of peanut butter on a spoon

Space...where no Mo has gone before
thinking, me
molysaccharine
I've started a new blog, but it still empty.  I have a vision for what I want it to be, but it is difficult to start the first entry.  I ponder about what the first entry should be about.  Should it just be a routine entry about a typical day of an internal medicine resident physician?  Should it concern a profound metaphysical philosophical endeavor that keeps me up at night?  Should it be a whining rant or account of injustice or unfairness to myself or to others whom i care deeply about?   Should it be an introspective self-help guide for overcoming current obstacles that I face?  Should it be a survery of 25  questions or so to preoccupy the free time that I no longer have?  Should it be a brief sentence insisting to readers that I am still alive and just have not gotten the time or motivation to write something meaningful?  Should it be filled with picture galore to decorate an adventure of the mundane or of travels taken afar?   Should it be an imaginative re-telling of a dream or fiction that I remember from another life in another time?  Should it be a deeply critical and invigorating analysis of a British science fiction television series?  Should it reflect my personal love life with shout-outs to my friends and family who support me for who I am?  Should it be a documentation of my foray into the culinary arts and sciences or perhaps my attempt to grasp a rhythm as I learn to appreciate music through the vibrations of strings on a guitar?  Should it feature an introduction to the contents of the blog and what purpose it serves?  

For now, it is but a concept like gravity.  It is a force that attracts beautiful dreams and projections of reality that orbit one another while reflecting the majestic rays of the light that shines upon them.  Shining Windmills in Space

bleh
thinking, me
molysaccharine
I'm sleep deprived and having trouble getting continuous sleep.  Not good.  Need inner peace.  Need to figure out why I'm so slow at getting things done.  How does everyone do things so quickly?  Why does it take me so much more time? Even when I skip lunch and lectures, I can't keep up and end up going over duty hours.  Very frustrating.  

Pay first, heal later
thinking, me
molysaccharine
Today I learned that my mother is a hardcore conservative Republican who is very opposed to the Affordable Care Act, and who believes that health care should be run as it is in India, where a physician does not offer his services until a patient pays for it first.  We discussed our differences in opinion at length.  

People watching
thinking, me
molysaccharine
I went out last night with a bunch of my future co-workers.  It was a fun time, but I have to admit that I am not much of the "outgoing" type as I used to be...then again, I never really went out to bars much at U of I until senior year came around.  I still love being around people, but I guess it just isn't the same when you're in a crowded room with loud music and incoherent chatter about who knows what.  Perhaps I need to get my ears checked?  

Sometimes, I feel like people catch on that I am not quite the gregarious person in these situations.  Sometimes I try to go out of my way to pretend to be humorous and likable just for their enjoyment.  The truth is, I really just like to sit back and observe and enjoy the social interactions around me and maybe even learn a thing or too.

While I watched from above, the second floor of the bar, I peered down to the numerous social exchanges taking place.  I observed body language.  I postulated what conversations were taking place.  I attempted to determine what the relationship was between these people.  I know I am not good at it.  Most often, I am wrong.  Most often, I read the signs all wrong.  But it is a game to me.  I feel pretty good about myself when I am right.  And when I find that I was wrong, I merely take it as an opportunity to apply what i am learned for next time.

I arrived back at my studio around 3 AM (after making a stop to the nearby Taco Bell, because I was craving it).  I watched some Sherlock Holmes and I was ecstatic over the visual deduction skills that Sherlock demonstrated in the show.  He really pays attention to every visual detail when I meets someone new, and from just a small set of such data he deduces fairly close to the truth.  I know it's only a show.  Completely fictional.  But I do wonder somedays if this incredible social cognitive ability can truly be honed to such a great extent that one might be duped into believing one has the power of telepathy.  It would be so wonderful to have such an ability.  

Unfortunately, due to the festivities of the previous night, I wasn't very alert and oriented the following morning.  I slept a lot.  I felt bad about all the time I was wasting in bed too, but I was so tired.  It wasn't until around the afternoon, after reading some Gita and doing some prayers, that I finally found the power to be productive and get some errands done around the apartment.  

Tomorrow is going to be another day when I attempt to become more productive and established in routine.  I must learn to pay attention to detail.  I must hone my focus with each activity.  These periods of rest and relaxations are well and necessary when appropriate, but I would rather be doing something productive...when it be staying inside reading and understanding hte correlational observations made in the past...or going out there and making new observations...learning whatever I can.



Hangry
thinking, me
molysaccharine
I have not been sleeping well.  My whole right sided chronic pains have been acting up this past week as well.  I've also been having quite a voracious appetite lately.  I am constantly hungry and thirsty and my bowels are overactive (TMI?).  I'm told that depression within the next three months will be normal too.  

Residency has not even begun quite yet, and I am already stressed out over getting things organized during orientation.  I swear, sometimes I think I need a secretary to help me remember all these tasks I need to take care of.  Sigh.  When can I just start seeing patients and worry only about medically relevant things?  

I guess these are the life skills that I have taken for granted.  Well, it's time to grow up and deal with it.

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Orientation tomorrow
thinking, me
molysaccharine
Orientation starts tomorrow.  I'm not gonna lie.  I'm pretty nervous.  I have to make a good impression, and I still have a lot of reading to do for the ACLS training.  I can only hope that my co-workers are awesome people.  

I am going to start my first real job in one week.  

Wow.

Sugar and Salt
thinking, me
molysaccharine
Just thought I should update: I'm a doctor.  Hellz YeaH!  

Orientation starts in about a week.  In the meantime, I've been busy getting settled into my new studio apartment as well as attending numerous wedding events.  I've been wanting to spend more time with friends and family too, but work comes first.  This will probably continue to be a mantra as I start my residency.  So much to study and learn.  I want to be a great physician, and I need to build my confidence and challenge myself to succeed.  As much as it hurts, I find that I must isolate myself from negative influences that make me loose sight of my goal.  There are those people out there who bring me down.  Those who make me feel like dirt.  Those who drain confidence from me instead of instilling positivity.  I know that I cannot avoid such people all the time, but until I am able to generate enough self-confidence from within establish a healthy reserve to carry me into residency, I may need to detach myself from sources of negativity.  

Life should not be this complicated.  I should be able to withstand critical attacks against my character and my desire to be someone who makes me happy, even if this makes others distraught and hateful towards me.  But unfortunately, I was grown with weak defenses and even weaker offenses in a quasi-loving and quasi-hostile environment.  I got hurt easily.  I accepted praise too readily.  And whenever I did muster the courage to fight another to defend myself and my values, I would immediate feel guilty and afraid that my opponent would not love me anymore just because I fought back.  This consistently unfulfilled yearning for love and acceptance left me in a pit of depression, subservience, and anger.  I relied so frequently on others to raise me up such that I was unable to make decisions for myself.  What makes me happy?   I relied on others to answer this question.  I was only happy if they loved me and accepted me for what I did for them.   I was only happy if I followed what they told me would make me happy.  Even if I did not genuinely feel happy, I would force the mantra, "if they are happy, then I am happy"  because I did not matter.  I was a slave to the desires of others.  I was raped for the satisfaction of others.  I was the puppet for others to control with strings that commanded me with the vibrations of criticism and praise.  So what if I had desires of my own?  Following them would be selfish.  Being selfish would be unbecoming of oneself.  

I find now that I will never be happy if I continue to live myself only to make others happy.  I will also not be content with merely doing whatever the hell I want without acknowledging responsibility for my actions and understanding the consequences of my words.  I now seek to find happiness by partaking in something worthwhile that benefits others while kindling the spiritual drive within me.  I want to work hard and be brilliant serving the poor, the sick, the injured, and those who aspire to do the same.  I want to do this because it truly makes me happy that i can make a positive difference in other people's lives.  I do not want to tie my happiness with the perceptions of others who claim that they love me.   I know just who I am.   Everything else is just salt or sugar sprinkled on top by someone else who has different tastes.

Inner Fire
thinking, me
molysaccharine
I've moved into my new studio apartment now.  It's very exciting because I have never lived alone before.  I have never had to opportunity to manage, decorate, and maintain my own place before.  The responsibility does of course come with its frustrations and anxiety, but that's life.  I need this.  I realized I have been spoiled all my life, being dependent on others to take care of me both financially and emotionally.  My life decisions have been oriented towards the expectations of others.  I have been wanting to cut the umbilical cord and avoid creating new cords of bondage without compromising my happiness and my autonomy.  I remember doing this before, and it left me miserable.  I was too attached and reliant on my friends to boost my self-confidence and make me feel like I mattered when I truly did not believe in myself.  I suppose I was afraid that if I did, then my ego would become inflamed and hurt everyone around me. So I continued to live in self-depreciation, sometimes pretending to be awesome when I really did not feel that way.  I was miserable, but then again, I felt like I deserved misery.  

But not any more.  I deserve better.  I deserve better.  I deserve better.  This mantra, I will continue to chant.

I now want to develop that inner spirit, that glow within me without relying on external forces to kindle it and keep it going.  I will take praise.  I will take criticism also.  But my fire burns from within.  And it is from within that I look onto for strength.  

I'm done with medical school.  My last day was on Friday.  I celebrated with a party with my medical school classmates, and we congratulated each other on being doctors.  It is still hard to believe.  I am going to be a doctor.  It is want I have wanted for so long.  And heck, I'll take an ego boost.  I did it!  I worked so hard for this.  It was not all fun and games.  I have sacrificed so much for this moment, and I am going to acknowledge that.  I do not care if anyone states otherwise.  They may say what they will.  My fire will not waiver, and I will continue to burn a strong, steady fire with Bhagwan at my side, every step of the way.

Congratulations!  You are going to be a doctor!!!


And now the senior week festivities begin.  Today, there's going to be a BBQ and yearbook signing event on campus.  I'm excited especially because I also worked so hard on that yearbook.  It looks amazing, and I can't want to have it signed by my wonderful classmates who have worked hard for their career goals as well.  

Boat cruise over Lake Michigan on Monday.  Paintballing on Tuesday.  Bar night on Wednesday.  Zoo and Banquiet on Thursday.  And Graduation on Friday.  

Time to celebrate!  :-)
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Don't Do This To Me
thinking, me
molysaccharine
I recently read through my past journal entries in both xanga and livejournal...reflecting on my past relationships, my lack of self-confidence, and troubles.  It was enlightening.

This week has been very tough for me emotionally.  I have been living back home with my parents, who claim that they love me, but they do not respect me and my lifestyle choices.  I feel trapped.  I feel empty.  I feel unloved.  I love them, and I try hard to withstand their emotional blows as I have done many times in the past.  I've always thought that I just had to take it and accept that I'll never be good enough for them, but I keep working hard to make them like me.  I've lived so much of my life trying to make them appreciate me, even knowing that they would never truly be happy with me.  There's always something.  There's always something that makes you feel like a failure at life. They've discredited my friends, claiming they'd leave me or that I should leave them.  I found myself not contacting my friends as much anymore as if this would make my parents love me more.  They have often criticized my actions, my values, and now they have even demonstrated negativity towards my overall character, making me feel like I am a horrible person.  And yet, throughout my life, I have praised them believing that I deserved this suffering because that's how they show that they love me.  I don't want to praise them anymore.  I don't want to take this anymore.  I just want to live my life and love my parents despite our differences, but they won't stop this vicious cycle of abuse. I am an adult.  I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be free.

General Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Mothers

Making the child/teen feel responsible for the mother's feelings.

Threatening them in general.

Threatening them specifically with rejection or abandonment.

Threatening them with vague, unstated consequences.

Using force upon them.

Invalidating their feelings.

Laying undeserved guilt on them.

Placing undeserved blame on them.

Dominating the conversations.

Refusing to apologize.

Always needing to have the last word.

Judging or rejecting their friends.

Sending them to their rooms for crying.

Locking them out of the house.

Using punishments and rewards to manipulate and control them.

Invading their privacy.

Under-estimating them.

Failing to show trust in them.

Labeling them.

Criticizing them.

Giving them the silent treatment.

Failing to give them real explanations.

Giving non-explanations such as "because it is wrong" or "because it is inappropriate" or "because it is a sin"


Yes, I have been emotionally abused.  I don't see why I never noticed it before now.  And I still find myself in denial from time to time.  I don't know what to do.  I'm afraid they will never stop making me feel so miserable.  It hurts.  So much.  And they don't realize it.  They will never understand that I cannot meet their unmet emotional needs.




(no subject)
thinking, me
molysaccharine
Pictures, pictures...more pictures of us!  new chapter in our lives begins soon...let us enjoy the end of this chapter with more memories and more pictures of travels together both outside among the stars and inside through the comfort of our imagination.  These next few weeks make me restless with excitement.  I have not felt so adventurous in a while.  And I wish to document again.  I wish to share my love, my wanderings, my contemplation for life with the world.  Oh, how I've missed these simple pleasures before the coming of censure and criticism that drove me away.  Oh, to be free again.  To write freely what drives the fire inside.  To show freely what incites passion within me from outside.  To make those connections.   Oh, yes.  I will end this chapter, not with separation, but one that speaks fondly of union.  Union of two.  Union of many.  Union of all things in this infinite universe.  

I am molysaccharine.  But bittersweet, I am no more. 

I am a thinker.  I am a dreamer.  I am a changer.  I am a traveler.  I am a wisher.  I am a volunteer.  I am a teacher.  I am a lover.  I am a protector.  I am a healer.  I am a writer.  I am a seeker.  I am a runner.  I am a pleaser.  I am a believer.  I am that you are.

You are a planner.  You are a reader.  You are a listener.  You are a teacher.  You are a nurturer.  You are an empathizer.  You are a lover.  You are a protector.  You are a healer.  You are a writer.  You are a monitor.  You are a believer. You are that I am.

We are workers.  We are believers.  We are lovers.  We are companions. We are gamers. We are partners.  We are storytellers.  We are challengers.  We are providers.  We are protectors. We are respecters. We are educators.  We are learners.  We are us.

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