I recently read through my past journal entries in both xanga and livejournal...reflecting on my past relationships, my lack of self-confidence, and troubles. It was enlightening.
This week has been very tough for me emotionally. I have been living back home with my parents, who claim that they love me, but they do not respect me and my lifestyle choices. I feel trapped. I feel empty. I feel unloved. I love them, and I try hard to withstand their emotional blows as I have done many times in the past. I've always thought that I just had to take it and accept that I'll never be good enough for them, but I keep working hard to make them like me. I've lived so much of my life trying to make them appreciate me, even knowing that they would never truly be happy with me. There's always something. There's always something that makes you feel like a failure at life. They've discredited my friends, claiming they'd leave me or that I should leave them. I found myself not contacting my friends as much anymore as if this would make my parents love me more. They have often criticized my actions, my values, and now they have even demonstrated negativity towards my overall character, making me feel like I am a horrible person. And yet, throughout my life, I have praised them believing that I deserved this suffering because that's how they show that they love me. I don't want to praise them anymore. I don't want to take this anymore. I just want to live my life and love my parents despite our differences, but they won't stop this vicious cycle of abuse. I am an adult. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be free.General Characteristics of Emotionally Abusive Mothers
Making the child/teen feel responsible for the mother's feelings.
Threatening them in general.
Threatening them specifically with rejection or abandonment.
Threatening them with vague, unstated consequences.
Using force upon them.
Invalidating their feelings.
Laying undeserved guilt on them.
Placing undeserved blame on them.
Dominating the conversations.
Refusing to apologize.
Always needing to have the last word.
Judging or rejecting their friends.
Sending them to their rooms for crying.
Locking them out of the house.
Using punishments and rewards to manipulate and control them.
Invading their privacy.
Failing to show trust in them.
Giving them the silent treatment.
Failing to give them real explanations.
Giving non-explanations such as "because it is wrong" or "because it is inappropriate" or "because it is a sin"
Yes, I have been emotionally abused. I don't see why I never noticed it before now. And I still find myself in denial from time to time. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid they will never stop making me feel so miserable. It hurts. So much. And they don't realize it. They will never understand that I cannot meet their unmet emotional needs.